It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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