I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
