My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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