The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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