I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
