Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think my fart just growled at me.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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