The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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