im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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