I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
