dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
