tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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