and you said cock pushups were impossible
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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