you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
