The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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