fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
