I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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