Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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