His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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