Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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