I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
