He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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