I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
