im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
