so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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