I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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