Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
