i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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