and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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