I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
