Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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