last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So vagazzling was a success
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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