That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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