Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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