He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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