I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
