why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
