so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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