I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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