I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
