I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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