a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
