seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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