You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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