please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
