He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
