Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
