Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
