Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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