Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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