Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
